


The monster inside me

by Tigi



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:02:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28655412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tigi/pseuds/Tigi
Summary: Sometimes he wonders what he could have been, if there was any possible future, in wich he would have be good.A good student.A good friend.A good brother.A good human.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	The monster inside me

Sometimes he wonders what he could have been, if there was any possible future, in wich he would have be good.  
A good student.  
A good friend.  
A good brother.  
A good human.  
Maybe if thinghs had gone diffrent he would be a better man, maybe he wouldn't have beaten Steve and maybe Max wouldn't have to use a syringe on him, filled with some damed drugs.  
And maybe he would have been better if Neil had shown him how.  
Because even when Billy tries so damn hard once to be good, he doesn't knows how, sometimes he feels like he can't even pretend to be nice.  
As if beeing nice and kind is something impossible for him.  
And damn it he tried, not long and hard enough he knows, tried to hold onto the memories of his mother's love and kindness tried so hard to keep these memories alive.  
But these memories seem to slip away from him, running trough his hands like water and he can't prevent them from fading away.

Slowly one by one everything his mother gave him on his way seems to leave him.  
Her kindness is starting to leave him and leaves him only with his sharp tongue and fast fists.  
Of course he knows that she wasn't perfect, is she would have been she would never have left.  
Never.  
No one should leave a child behind with a monster like Neil, Billy knows that, knows fir a fact that Neil is one of the worst humans he will ever encounter.   
After all, who beats his own child?  
Right, Neil does.  
And Billy can't even fault him completly, because he knows that Neil has been raised like this too, by a drunken, beating pathetic excuse of an man.  
It doesn't made Billy hate Neil any less trough.  
Maybe even more because Billy us starting to know that one day that maybe this will be him, that maybe one day he will take the wrong turns his father has taken before him.  
Hell if he is honest he has taken most of these turns already.

I am am a monster too, thinks Billy and smiles at himself.  
Funny, he thinks that he only seems to realises it now, with this thing in his mind.  
This thingh that makes him ......kill people.  
At first Billy fought it, even killing isn't something Billy considers right, he isn't morally that low.  
But the really frightening thing is that he can feel that thing inside him and he can feel its emotions too and it's anger.  
And it's so similar to his and it startled Billy and it shows Billy too that he isn't much better then it.

Every time it kills, Billy can feel it thinking and he knows that it thinks every death of thses people necessary.  
It knows that these people will be missed and that what it's doing is wrong.  
It doesn't care.  
And Billy knows that some part of him doesn't care too.  
A part that is jealous because everyone's life is so easy, while his is so hard.  
It is unfair.  
Your worthless.  
These words ecvi trough his head, have echoed trough his head since Neil told him the first time.  
Reminding him of how much he matters to everything.  
Nothing.  
The shit student.  
The shit friend  
The shit son.  
The shit brother.  
The shit human.  
That is what he is.

Either nothing or something bad, to most people he is like a bad smell, that you hope to get rid of as and fast as you can.  
For some he is worst.

After he goes out to find Max, finds her and starts to beat Steve, he realises there most be something wrong with him.  
He remebered beeing so damn angry and then taking the plate.  
Some part of him is glad that max tmdruffed, because if not it may be that he would be in jail.  
For manslaughter.  
Another part of him wants to ripp her into littel pieces and hurt her as much as possible.  
That part of him blamed her for every time, Neil hit him after he had brought her back late, because Max had come late,but it was always Billy's fault.  
And he was glad that it was always his fault sometimes, because that meant that maybe, maybe she would be better, live a better life.  
With a littel luck she would be happy.

Billy missed that feeling, missed to smilea genuine smile and nit just the fake one, with to many teeths that he always offered everyone in an attempt to defend himself, to show everyone how strong and unbreakable he was.  
Untouchable.  
A king.  
That was what Billy was in many eyes, a bad boy, he had seen it in the way he turned heads, when he walked down the hallway.  
They didn't know that he was broken inside, hurt and pained, a wounded animal that let no one hear him.  
To prevent more pain, because nothing hurt more then losing somone you loved.  
Nothing would ever leave such a joke as jus mother had, when she had left, leaving Billybegind to wonder.  
Was it really his fault?  
Could he somehow bring her to take him with him?  
But as much as he had tortured him with theses questions he had never gotten an answer.

And when the Mindflayer as Max and her weird friends had called it, or something similar, took over, Billyen the wonder if she had just seen the future.  
If she had known that in the end he would turn into a monster, just like his father.  
A racist piece of shit, who scared a littel boy.  
Maybe that was why that thing had chosen him.  
Because he was already a monster, a man not even worth saving.  
No one would come to rescue him from this monster.  
No one.  
Because no one cared.  
Not his mother who left him, not his father who beat him every chance he hot, not his workers or his fahe friends.

He was alone.

And he deserved it, deserved every bad thing happening.  
This wasn't something bad that happened to a good person this was a bad thing happening to a bad person.  
Or maybe it was just another bad thing happening on a long list of bad thinghs happening.  
With an twisted smile, full of hurt and pain Billy smiled at that particular thought.  
Maybe that was why it had happened to him, so it didn't ruined someone's life, that had been good until then.  
No his life had been ruined before that God damn fucking monster.  
A silver lining on the horizon.

..............

The girl.  
Eleven.  
Jane.  
The weirdo.  
Billy finally had her and he was bringing her towards that even bigger and nastier monster.  
Like that damned Servant he was for them, their littel personel minion.  
Billy hated it.

She had sent him a memory.

Yoo were happy.

It shattered Billy's heart remembering that day, the wave, his mother, the day before it all fell apart.  
Before she left forever.  
After that his life went down and diwn and hit rock bottom only when he met that monster.  
Looking down at that girl, Billy realised that her life must be good, she wasn't him.  
She went through bad stuff, he could see it in her eyes, she was a saviour like him, but unlike him she wasn't broken inside.  
No she was good and if she would get put of this she would matter.  
Not like him, he didn't mattered.  
But she did.  
She had a chance, Billy hadn't and he knew she was strong enough to take that chance, if he let her.

That was when he made his final choice, one of his only real choice, not one that was forced on him in any way, like Neil forced him to become more like him every day.  
Not like all the thinghs Neil forbid him something or pressured him into something.  
This wasn't like all the times Neil made him afraid.  
Suddenly all fear was gone, at least finally he could make it all matter, he could do what the universe had never intended him to do.  
He could do good, really good.  
For once he could do what he wanted, show the world the kindness he had received such a long time ago.  
Finally, he could be what he wanted to be all along.  
Himself and not some twisted image if his father.

Standing up he faced it and moved himself before Eleven, defending her from that thing.  
Only a second later the first tentacle hit him and then the next and then even more came.  
He didn't let go.

I am not losing this fight.  
You won't get her....  
Not ever.....  
Not as long as I live anyway.  
This.  
This finally is my choice....  
This.  
This is me.  
Deal with it.

Then the tentacle hit him in the chest and he was beginning to fall.  
And then he knew that was it, his life was over and he was done, no Billy Hargrove snymore.  
Finally this village would have one troublemaker less, one problem to deal with less.

The blood was soaking trough his shirt and coming out of his mouth and then their was Max calling his name.

,,Billy."

,,I'm sorry."  
The worlds almost suprised himself, but with a stab of guilt in the heart, he realised that he needed to say them.  
Now that he was dying.  
And he didn't wanted to dy, wanted to live so much, but he knew that his life would have been short anyway.  
Like a burst of a hot and tall flame that soon is gone, because it consumes itself.

,,I am sorry."  
And he meant it, meant every single world and every single letter.  
He was sorry for everything.  
For scaring her, for forcing her to deal with so much shit alone.  
Sorry for not beeing a better brother.  
Sorry for breaking her skate borad.  
Sorry for treating her boyfriend.

While the world grew darker and he slowly began to lose control over his body and everything became duller, Billy realised maybe it wouldn't be so bad.  
At least he finally would find peace.  
Maybe he would finally find his balance, maybe the anger and rage he felt wouldn't haunt him anymore.  
And at least he would go, but he would know that Max had friends.

She was strong, so much stronger then him, ready to fight.  
She would live.

Slowly he exhaled and let go.


End file.
